One thing you should never say, no matter how saucy and raunchy the texting gets.
Second lockdown. Likes and messages are rolling in. Déjà vu, déjà lived during the first one.
We are again glued to our screens (did we ever stop?), looking for distraction, new hobbies or killing time. Some are cooking (moi!).
Some are finding company online and keeping their hands busy by texting (ok, sexting) their matches and crushes. You know, something to look forward to when “this will all be over”.
I gave up on that during the first lockdown because I was too busy testing all the recipes online and binge-watching Lucifer.
Also, there was one thing in particular I was extremely uncomfortable with.
Entirely subjective but … what is NOT ok to say in the midst of a global pandemic and a full lockdown is:
“Why don’t you take an Uber to my place”?
Especially if you have never seen this person before. I am not going to dive into safety reasons that go beyond preventing COVID-19, I am talking about the situation we are all facing.
So why don’t I take an Uber… Oh where do I even begin?
First of all, in my system of values, this is not acceptable before we met in person. I want to see you and make sure you are not on the “Wanted” list. Serial killer documentaries have ruined me for life.
Does it make me old school if I prefer to start with a real-life coffee and not a full menu? Even if it does, I am still looking for damns to give and I can’t find any. If I want a full menu, I usually check the Yelp reviews beforehand and your place didn’t make the list.
Oh, we can’t have coffee because it’s a lockdown? Well then we can’t exchange body fluids either!
Yes, it is disrespectful to suggest a woman takes a risk on many levels because you wanna get some. Especially when there is a chance only one person who will benefit from it and most likely it’s not gonna be her.
Second, how special do you think your genitalia is that I would risk taking a fine for it? Does it do magic tricks? Does it levitate? Ok, probably it does but still.
Is your disco stick on the list of the emergencies and necessities that allow me to leave my place? I’m gonna check on the French government website right away*
Third, there is not a single schwanz in the world (Tom Ellis included) that would make me risk my well-being and the health of people around me.
There is a reason they call it a “global pandemic” and “lockdown” and no, your eggplant is not an exception.
Fourth, where is the guarantee that even if I break the law and risk my health, it’ll be worth it?
I have a feeling that during texting, one might exaggerate their capacities. That leaves me at risk for COVID, a possibility of a fine and a mediocre lay added to my body count. Plus two Uber rides and my working time as a freelancer.
See, if I took that ride when I got the message, I would have never written this article (working time) while sipping on my amaretto coffee and eating a fresh muffin (guaranteed satisfaction).
What follows and what is not ok at all is trying to gaslight the woman and shame her because she is “stuck up”:
“You should live a little, don’t give in to this media crap”
“I thought you were more spontaneous than that”
Man… I am spontaneous. Ask my friends! You say: “Let’s go visit the countryside in Moldova!”, I say: “When?”. Outside of the lockdown!
I am as tired and as upset by it as everybody else. Don’t guilt me into feeling even worse because some of your body parts are blue.
I am not going to your place during the lockdown, especially if I have never met you. If you want home delivery, get Uber Eats and get that free premium trial on you-know-what website.
Let’s keep it masks on for the moment. We will take them off and put the condoms on when it’s over and enjoy our safe freedom on all levels.
*as expected, wieners don’t qualify as an emergency to leave your house during lockdown.
Written by a woman triggered by a random morning message on the fifth day of the second lockdown.